Rock Bottom of Depression, And A Way Out
I had reached the lowest point in my life and I was in a state of mind where I really just didn't want to be here anymore in this physical experience.
I was at rock bottom and I remember sitting at the end of our bed just crying. I'd locked myself in our bedroom just like I'd done so many times before so my husband and my children knew - just leave mum alone. Leave her alone. She's in her pool of sadness at the moment.
Sitting there on the end of the bed, crying, shaking, shuddering, everything . . . and then I heard a voice.
The voice just said "go and get a pen and paper"
At first I ignored it because I was a right mess, I was, well, I'd lost the plot completely. But then the voice came back. It was so calm. "Go and get a pen and paper"
And I once again, didn't listen. Didn't listen, completely ignored it. But then it got stronger, even though it was still calm. "Go and get a pen and paper" . . . and then I started getting really angry. I was in the middle of a full blown melt down; crying my soul out and this voice kept popping in, "go and get a pen and paper"
And I said "I don't want a frikken pen and paper, I'm in the middle of a melt down here so just leave me alone!"
It was persistent - "go and get a pen and paper", and it wouldn't go away. I don't know where it was coming from. I thought "yeah you've lost it now Kel; you've really gone" (giggle)
But as persistent as the voice was, I finally did listen. I got a pen and I got a paper and I sat down and I said to myself, "here's ya bloody pen and paper" and then from there, I just went down and I started writing. And these are the words that came out
Go look upon a blade of grass
Go find your peace within
Try meditation for your heart
And don't you dare give in
Don't get so angry with your life
Don't try to find some blame
For this will only make life worse
And fill your heart with pain
I'm here and I am watching you
I'll help you with the steps
So far you're doing really well
So don't dare give up yet
I know some days are really hard
Some folk can't help you out
Your thoughts get torn, your mind gets sad
You want to scream and shout
But find that place within your heart
The place I'll always be
We've been together from the start
And through all eternity
I love you sweetheart
So, Mum had passed over two years before that message came through. It was 2006, October the 6th 2006 was my rock bottom and also, a chance, that I grabbed whole heartedly.
So after that, after doing the writing and then realising I had finished writing - it only took about 30 seconds to scribble all of that down - and I remember having a look at that piece of paper with splotches of tears all over it and smudges and I'm thinking . . . "What happened? Where did that come from?"
And that was the beginning of curiosity. Curiosity can pull you out of any pit alright?! Get curious with life. It doesn't have to be a voice that's come through, but find something that will get your attention more so than focusing on the hurt inside of yourself. When you focus on the pain inside of yourself, you expand it, and I did that for several years.
Trust me; get something you can focus on outside of yourself. For me, it was the curiosity to want to know more about where this voice was coming from and why was it signed 'Mum' . . .?
I'll share more later on down the track.
Get curious, take care of you, stay safe and remember . . .
It's all good
xox ~ Kelly